Note: Â We do Christmas at our house, so I am focusing on what I know, not other holidays at this time of year.
Search the internet for five seconds and you will find plenty of posts about how difficult Christmas is for the autistic child and the parents. Â People visiting, different food, Christmas songs on Pandora, parents (sigh, almost always the mother) super busy doing things the child is not used to and many more things that upset a child’s world.
But, I’m not a child. Â I am an autistic adult with the same concerns.
Therein is the problem. Â Understanding family members who are not usually frequent visitors will forgive the behavior of an autistic child. Â When adults do similar behavior, albeit toned down over the years, people have less or zero empathy. Â It goes like this: Â Child has problems with Christmas, poor thing. Â Adult has problem with Christmas, what’s your problem? Â It’s good to keep in mind that generally people don’t want to be understanding with adults.
I have been found to be:
- Stand-offish
- Talk too much
- Since I’m female, not helping with cooking and dishes (I should know that I’m supposed to do this with glee–female bonding and all that)
- Wandering off somewhere
- Not saying the right thing socially
- When I was younger, being angry with others who snub me
- Over-stimulated, so I retreat somewhere to the porch, or another alone place
- Sick to my stomach that I HAD to go to someone’s house for Boxing Day, or worse, Christmas dinner at my house
The Good News
It gets better! Â Seriously.
If I’m at Granny’s for Boxing Day dinner, and if I wander off, my family totally understands. Â Not even understanding, they treat me that I’m just me, and no thought is given to any oddness, because that’s just me, and they like me that way. Â With their unconditional understanding and love, I feel free to be a part of the conversation or just sitting that the table eating and listening to everyone else, that is totally okay with them. Â I’m not a kid anymore, so I have learned how to feel to be part of the family.
That’s the thing. Â I have learned.
I have been a part of a lot of Christmases by now, so I know what to expect from who will be there and what to talk about with them, to what food will be served. Â It’s always the same special dishes, hence the term, “comfort food.”
My Advice
If you have an autistic child, make it EXACTLY the same every year. Â The same food, the same decorations, the same people, the same time to open presents, the same time for Christmas breakfast, and so on.
The do nots are:
- Don’t be helicopter parents telling them how to open presents.
- Don’t rush them on opening presents. Â I like to open them exactly the way I want on my time frame.
- Don’t let siblings or you “touch their stuff.” Â It’s a joy to revel in a new toy, so let them. Â Do not use the term “let me see what you got,” because every autistic kids knows, it’s really “I’m going to touch your stuff when you don’t want me to.”
- Don’t push them to talk to Uncle-So-and-So. Â Let them watch, or even if they don’t want to watch, they can be focusing on the intricacies of one toy, and they hear everything.
Do:
- Tell them what to expect in explicit terms, so they don’t feel blind-sided, which can be super “upsetting.” Â For me, that means waning to flee if things happen that I didn’t know would happen.
- Ask what are their favorite foods for Christmas. Â They may not say anything, so telling them what to expect food-wise goes a long way.
- My mum is a fan of tradition, so she made Christmas a known comfort, not a freak-out feeling.
- Let the child participate in their own way. Â Listening might be the only way. Â Think of it as parallel play.
Merry Christmas!
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