Autism Advice for Mike, with a Brother who may be on the Spectrum

Hi Eileen,
I found out about your blog through the article on CNN and had a question for you.  For years I have suspected my brother has Asperger Syndrome, but he has never been evaluated or diagnosed.  In addition, nobody has ever approached him about it.  He is highly functioning, has a family, kids, steady job…a good life, but has always struggled in relation to social situations, picking up on non-verbal social cues, etc.  I have often wondered if I should approach him and what his reaction might be.  How did you find out or search to learn more about Asperger Syndrome?  Do you think someone with Aspergers has the self awareness to be open to self discovery and if they want to learn more?  Are there any treatments you know of?

The last thing I want to do is push him away or make him feel different.

Thanks in advance for your insight, Mike

Mike,

It sounds like you love your brother, which is the best way to approach any person.

The first thing to note is that autism/Asperger’s Syndrome tends to run in families. When I was diagnosed the psychologist asked if there were people in my family who were like me. Take a look at your family and notice who has traits of autism even though they don’t have enough traits to be diagnosed.  That might be good for your brother to know.

The second thing to note is that as a brother, you are also his friend.  If he self diagnoses or gets a medical diagnosis, he will likely want to talk about it with someone, so offer to listen.  Maybe this Chinese proverb will help:  “A friend who truly knows you is always with you.” We all seek to be known deeply. This English proverb may also apply: “The best mirror is an old friend.”

In response to your question, “Do you think someone with Aspergers has the self awareness to be open to self discovery and if they want to learn more?” I say, “Yea!”  Self-knowledge is the most difficult endeavor a person can undertake. But with the diagnosis of autism many, if not most, people feel relieved to know that they are not weird, they are not alone, and they are a part of a huge, world-wide community.

How will he react?  I don’t know.  I can tell you that give him written information on it rather than talking the whole time. If he is indeed on the autism spectrum, he will likely read the information then go on the computer to learn more.  Some days later, tell him what parts of the information you found interesting or enlightening, and ask him what he thinks.  Then stop talking and listen.

Mike, you wrote, “The last thing I want to do is push him away or make him feel different.” With such social difficulties, he has known for a long time that he has felt different from other people; it’s like being in the world, but not a part of it. You mentioned that others in your family have not approached him about it, so keep in mind that he grew up in your family, so he may feel uncomfortable broaching personal topics.

Might he totally reject the idea?  When my therapist said I might have autism, I rejected it and changed the topic.  But I got curious.  In true autism fashion I hyper-focused on it reading everything I could find on it and spending countless days on autism/Asperger’s boards. I still didn’t quite believe it, but I felt compelled to know so after looking at the post-it on my desk for weeks with the doctor’s name and number, I called and the rest is, well,…my better future.

I am much closer with my family now.  Let me know how it goes with your brother. You can contact me privately at e@cozycalm.com